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Saw it on TV

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-06-17T06:30:41+00:00

Back in the old days, before everybody hated advertising, lots of American consumers thought that ads were informative and even helpful. In the 70’s, one legendary ad man claimed that consumer perceptions about advertisements were such that ads had become almost like an organic part of the product. Just the fact that a product was advertised had become a de facto reason for consumers to buy it. The ad guy didn’t claim that this made any sense, only that it seemed to happen.

Which brings us to the As Seen on TV™ store at your local mall. This store’s existence is just not logical. Maybe products on tv are a little like celebrities, and people want be near them, but it seems like shopping at the As Seen on TV™ store is like going to a concert where you’ve never heard of the scheduled performers and the only information you have is that they’ve all sung in the shower.

Would you shop at the We Also Have a Store in Uzbekistan store? How about the We Only Hire Caucasian Clerks store? That’s what I thought.

Having said all that, let’s go into one of these stores and check out some of their stuff. (We’ll do it through the magic of delusional thinking. Ready? .............. Okay, we’re in the store now.) Over there on the right is the Flowbee™, the “precision home haircutting system.” You hook up your vacuum to the trimmer (keeps hair off the carpet), then you give your best pal a haircut. What’s not to love? Where else could you take part in a personal grooming session where the participants have to shout over the typhoon-like roar of a vacuum cleaner?

“DO YOU WANT IT TAPERED IN THE BACK?”

“WHAT?”

Moving further along the aisle, we find the Beverage Warmer with the Built-in 4-port USB Hub™. This product is so desirable it doesn’t even need a glowing description.

Finally, we have the The Hot Dog Express Rotary Grill with Bun Warming Lid™. Why would you ever need a teflon frying pan when you can hoist this guy onto the counter, warm ‘er up, cook 20 or 30 hot dogs, then spend a half hour taking it apart, wiping off the grease, cleaning and reassembling it...

I’ll pretty much guarantee that this baby will go into your storage unit before you can say, “Can’t we just use the microwave?”

I won’t say that the As Seen on TV™ store is a sign of the apocalypse, but it looks like a move in that direction.

Attention citizens of earth

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-06-08T23:49:00+00:00

Does anyone here remember (a few years ago) when California’s Governor mentioned to a reporter that he owned seven (7) Hummers? Arnold didn’t know that his giant cars were melting one iceberg per hour all by themselves, but I’ve always been curious about how the Governor made use of all those cars. Did he drive for a half hour, run that Hummer dry, then have the help bring up another one? Did he have the days of the week cutely painted on each driver’s door like those panties on E-bay that say “Monday” or “Tuesday”? Were all seven of his 8,500-pound Hummers the same color? Did he at any point consider owning his own gas station? Could we have a moment of silence for a polar bear?

With the Hummer company (as of this writing) in trouble, we have to wonder what Arnold is driving nowadays. He wouldn’t be walking or riding a bike, since that’s illegal in California. Only large shiny vehicles that rumble are permitted here. Actually I’m exaggerating. You can ride a bike here, but people may look at you like, “What’s-a-matter with you, can’t you afford a mechanical device that makes a little noise?” In their hearts, California drivers don’t feel that bike riders are real. They sort of exist, but certainly don’t deserve to be treated as importantly as a real human in a large, sparkling, normal car.

So anyway, in the name of carbon footprint reduction, those of us at Yelp & Howl (me and the cat) now present a way for you to save thousands in plane fares and do a little something for the planet. The 27-second vacation...

Ocean from Roger Steen on Vimeo.

Help me, I need to stop thinking

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-05-09T16:43:33+00:00

Yesterday morning I woke up early, and before I knew what was happening I started thinking again. It kept going 'round and 'round in my head: should I spend the day studying existentialism or buying jewelry? Now, I hear you, you're saying to yourself, "The best way for you to stop dwelling on chaos and absurdity is to get a gold chain."

The only thing I would add to that is, "Or a watch." Jewelry is really all about shimmering. Each time you move around you get a little shimmering going on. As the shimmerettes appear in your peripheral vision they work to take your mind off the spectacularly heavy concepts that you should probably try to avoid: things like self-determination or whether to get the Corolla with a moonroof.

I suppose that crystal chandeliers might serve the same purpose. I was thinking about putting several in each room so that when I'm walking around I always have little sparkly things visible out of the corner of my eye, distracting me from unproductive thoughts. You know, crap like "Is there a transcendent force or is it just you and me, baby?"

Spending time on stuff like that will make the Rolex Oyster Perpetual a much more distant reality. And that, dear friend, will put you on the path to boredom, alienation, and nothingness.

Power on the sidewalk

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-05-01T16:42:35+00:00

You know how sometimes you'll be walking alone on a city sidewalk and you look up and there'll be three people coming toward you, walking abreast, occupying the complete width of available concrete? All they'd have to do is compress a little closer together and move a bit to one side, and everything would be fine. But what if -- as you get closer -- they don't move over? You're faced with a decision: stay the course, or swerve and let them come rumbling through.

This is power on the sidewalk.

So getting back to the three people compressing, the deal is that the amount they compress is directly related to how much power they're willing to give up. If the lone approaching stranger looks imposing, or if the three in combination consider themselves more significant than the loner, the compression algorithm mutates accordingly. A really "significant" threesome may feel no need to compress at all.

Then again, if there's a consideration imbalance -- if one of the two opposing sides is more considerate than the other -- this also modifies the nature of the encounter. In a worst-case scenario, with no one exhibiting consideration or relinquishing power, we could have actual physical contact. Jackets brushing against each other during the passage, or in extreme cases, shoulders bumping.

The danger here is self-evident, and what's needed should be pretty clear. Legislation. We need laws on the books, not more talk. We need to treat this a lot more seriously than you are treating it at this moment. You think I can't tell from that smirk on your face what you're up to? If you're anti-law, you're anti-American. Simple as that.

I'd suggest you get on the phone right now. Call your congressperson, and let them know that you are pro-law (repeat the phrase "I speak eloquently on the phone" multiple times before you call). Feel free to say things like "we need more laws," or "are you aware of the power on the sidewalk problem?"

My friends, don't treat your country badly. Call now.

Excuse me, but you apparently think you're my equal

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-04-05T18:40:29+00:00

Snootiness is an interesting concept... some say it's a confusion of values. Is there a difference between a person who wears Jeaneology designer jeans and one who wears Wranglers? Yes.... the difference is that one of those people is more snooty than the other.

The psychologist Alfred Adler said, "To be human is to feel inferior." Of course, some people would read that and say to themselves, "I don't feel inferior... why would I feel inferior... I've got an 8000 square foot house and an $80,000 BMW." (We'll be polling our readers in a coming issue to find out how the price of one's car correlates with one's happiness.)

I wonder if there are ladybugs who walk past other bugs and think, "Just look at those flaws....she's got ugly spots on her wings." Oh, all right, maybe ladybugs can't think. But if elephants can mourn, and ravens can steal an ice fisherman's catch by pulling up the line with their beak and claws (saw it on Nature), who knows? Maybe other critters can think, and it's just our snootiness that makes us believe we're alone. Octopi are pretty smart. Maybe they act all globby when the submarine lights are on and then strut and swagger when they go back under the rock. What if eagles, hovering over cliffs, look down at other eagles' nests and think, "Lousy nest builder....look at all the twigs sticking out....it's barely even round." Eagles do seem to be just a little too confident so it's not much of a stretch to think they might be smug about their skills.

The whole art world is pretty much suffocated with snootiness. For an artist, the process of creating is what's really important, but you can be sure it makes them happy if somebody hands them a check once in a while. Problem is, for most artists it doesn't happen all that much.... too many people go to galleries just to be seen, with their checkbooks tucked safely away in a desk drawer. Fortunately they can still drop the gallery name into a conversation the next day along with a "We were there yesterday." What they might not realize is that "We just picked up a Cartier-Bresson" would impress people more, and it just might just help an artist buy a couple of packets of seasoning for his Top Ramen.

Finally we have Starbucks, which really needs to bring in a snootiness consultant. Calling a small latte "Tall" brings to mind the advertising guys who once decided that a little box of Tide, enough for about 5 washloads, should be labled with the word "Giant." The next size up, the "Intergalactic Conquest" size, was good for about 12 loads. I understand they'd hoped to put an even larger box on the shelves but nobody could come up with a name.

That song sucks. I think.

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-03-14T16:24:02+00:00

Sometimes I think that there are only about 10 people in the world who understand the word "subjectivity." Well, okay, maybe there are 50. That's not many out of 6 billion.

Say you like a song, and you mention the song to somebody else, and it means nothing to them.... they don't feel any emotion at all when that song is playing. I'm going to guess that you find that a little disconcerting, if not confusing. Why don't they like it? Maybe subjectivity in action?

Let's say you like that one Gnarls Barkley song that was around awhile ago.... Crazy. The original YouTube video (no longer there because of copyright issues) had thousands and thousands of comments. The only thing the dislikers and the likers had in common was that each apparently believed that something was wrong with the other person.

Okay, so maybe lots of us have a hard time accepting the fact that other people don't think like we do. But things can get even more complicated. Let's switch to comedians for a second. Steve Martin's humor can be approached from a smart place or from a dumb place. So dumb people will either like it, or they'll think it's dumb. Smart people will either think it's dumb, or see the intelligence behind the dumbness. Is this making your brain hurt? It is mine, so screw this. The next time I don't like a song, that means it sucks. And Letterman is funnier than Leno.

Recycle this

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-02-16T21:22:31+00:00

The other day, while I was recycling my mayonnaise jars by placing them carefully into the recycling bins (can I just throw them in there so they break or should I place them in there whole? They're going to get ground up anyway, right?) at my apartment house, I said to myself, "Should I also be recycling my plastic grocery bags?" Each of them weighs probably .00001 grams, but at least I'm contributing to the health of the earth. Then I thought to myself, "What could I contribute that weighs a bit more, so that I'm *really* contributing?" How 'bout cars? If I buy a used car, that's like recycling, isn't it? I mean, the real recycling happens when they squash the car into a cube, but isn't this sort of pre-recycling recycling? And cars weigh more than .00001 grams, so it's a genuine contribution to the future of my kids' kids. But then I stopped and said, "Wait a minute... Who the hell cares about the future of the earth or my grandkids. I want more sex and a bigger house, right? Screw the earth, that's for those tree-hugger weirdos." But then I realized that I was having another selfish attack. You've seen it on tv, like at political conventions.

Buying a new car might contribute to the country's economic health, but buying a used car would contribute to the notion that having value as a human being does not require ownership of a car less than 2 years old.

It's the great capitalism-specific dilemma of the 21st century, and I'm proudly a part of it.

Sniff here

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-02-09T17:21:14+00:00

Ever notice that one of the differences between guys and women is that, in a roomful of both, the guys are so busy being competitive that they miss half the stuff that's going on? Maybe one guy should just pee on the furniture to establish territorial rights and then get on with the party. But new guys coming into the room probably wouldn't bother sniffing for scents....that could be perceived as giving up power. Out on the Serengeti the lions apparently don't see it that way, but maybe they're not into peer pressure or they don't care so much about what other lions think. They probably don't have much interest in moving into a gated community.

Need a fix

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-01-15T21:19:02+00:00

Is there a 12-step program for people who are addicted to manipulation? According to the movie What The (bleep) Do We Know, we're all addicted to something. Power, money, food, cough lozenges, intelligent conversation, penguins, whatever. Why has alcohol been singled out, of all the addictions we can have, for special treatment? Just because it can destroy lives and give your kids a complex? I'm afraid I'm going to need a better reason.

And what about controlling behavior? If someone is addicted to the high created by the use of power....you know, messing with other people's heads in a way that benefits you and negatively affects them....is *that* a disease?

I think we should we have a 12-step program for people addicted to dieting.

Productivity: Not just for losers

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2009-01-06T17:15:44+00:00

Yesterday evening, after playing nine straight hours of Halo 3, I started thinking about productivity. There are lots and lots of things that could be made more productive, so I vowed that the following day I would start thinking about them, and when I did, just as you might expect, Yosemite came up. I mentioned the park to a friend, and she said, "Do you know how easy it would be to put an oil well behind each of those big trees in Yosemite?" I knew she was brilliant, but I hadn't seen her visionary side before.

She continued, "And what about that wasted space between trees. Could that be monetized?" The answer should be obvious.

Condos!

Actually, why leave those trees there at all? Those condos are going to need spacious decks, beautifully milled staircases, and fabulous polished wood floors, as well as elegant gazebos resting on expansive wooded acreage.

How many situations can you think of where the raw materials are already sitting right next to the jobsite? Not many, my friend.

Maybe you see where I'm going with this. Somebody needs to talk to these non-visionary types who look at wilderness and are unable to see its potential -- the people who can't see mountain streams as tiny hydro-electric sources, or sunlight as a tool for capturing the solar energy that could supply the electicity needs of thousands of gas stations.

Please join me in supporting an organization that's close to my heart: Let's Make Wilderness Productive! (LMWP). You can click here to get more information.

The great questions

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2008-12-23T21:13:39+00:00

For centuries, philosophers have agonized over the criteria that determine a person's worth as a human being. What does the word "virtue" mean in the modern world? What creates value in a person? Finally we have an answer: the year and appearance of your car.

Hug me

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2008-12-17T16:59:20+00:00

While visiting a beautiful website called Forests Forever (www.forests-forever.com), it occurred to me that trees create the air we breathe, and they make our lives possible. Without them we would perish. Is it selfish to cut them down to build a summer home? Not if it's designed by an established architect whose name would be recognized by your friends.

Judge ye not

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2008-12-15T19:58:01+00:00

Normally I begin reading a person even before they open their mouth. Should I begin judging them before that or after that?

Yeah, okay, thanks

roger.steen@gmail.com — 2008-12-12T16:51:51+00:00

Last week I took a couple of days off from worshipping celebrities to do something a little more important: buy more shiny shit. How do you expect me to have any self-esteem if I don't have enough trinkets?

Oh, by the way, glad you've stopped by.