Saw it on TV
Jun/17/2009
Back in the
old days, before everybody hated advertising, lots of
American consumers thought that ads were informative
and even helpful. In the 70’s, one legendary ad man
claimed that consumer perceptions about advertisements
were such that ads had become almost like an organic
part of the product. Just the fact that a product was
advertised had become a de facto reason for consumers
to buy it. The ad guy didn’t claim that this made any
sense, only that it seemed to happen.
Which brings us to the As Seen on TV™ store at your local mall. This store’s existence is just not logical. Maybe products on tv are a little like celebrities, and people want be near them, but it seems like shopping at the As Seen on TV™ store is like going to a concert where you’ve never heard of the scheduled performers and the only information you have is that they’ve all sung in the shower.
Would you shop at the We Also Have a Store in Uzbekistan store? How about the We Only Hire Caucasian Clerks store? That’s what I thought.
Having said all that, let’s go into one of these stores and check out some of their stuff. (We’ll do it through the magic of delusional thinking. Ready? .............. Okay, we’re in the store now.) Over there on the right is the Flowbee™, the “precision home haircutting system.” You hook up your vacuum to the trimmer (keeps hair off the carpet), then you give your best pal a haircut. What’s not to love? Where else could you take part in a personal grooming session where the participants have to shout over the typhoon-like roar of a vacuum cleaner?
“DO YOU WANT IT TAPERED IN THE BACK?”
“WHAT?”
Moving further along the aisle, we find the Beverage Warmer with the Built-in 4-port USB Hub™. This product is so desirable it doesn’t even need a glowing description.
Finally, we have the The Hot Dog Express Rotary Grill with Bun Warming Lid™. Why would you ever need a teflon frying pan when you can hoist this guy onto the counter, warm ‘er up, cook 20 or 30 hot dogs, then spend a half hour taking it apart, wiping off the grease, cleaning and reassembling it...
I’ll pretty much guarantee that this baby will go into your storage unit before you can say, “Can’t we just use the microwave?”
I won’t say that the As Seen on TV™ store is a sign of the apocalypse, but it looks like a move in that direction.
Which brings us to the As Seen on TV™ store at your local mall. This store’s existence is just not logical. Maybe products on tv are a little like celebrities, and people want be near them, but it seems like shopping at the As Seen on TV™ store is like going to a concert where you’ve never heard of the scheduled performers and the only information you have is that they’ve all sung in the shower.
Would you shop at the We Also Have a Store in Uzbekistan store? How about the We Only Hire Caucasian Clerks store? That’s what I thought.
Having said all that, let’s go into one of these stores and check out some of their stuff. (We’ll do it through the magic of delusional thinking. Ready? .............. Okay, we’re in the store now.) Over there on the right is the Flowbee™, the “precision home haircutting system.” You hook up your vacuum to the trimmer (keeps hair off the carpet), then you give your best pal a haircut. What’s not to love? Where else could you take part in a personal grooming session where the participants have to shout over the typhoon-like roar of a vacuum cleaner?
“DO YOU WANT IT TAPERED IN THE BACK?”
“WHAT?”
Moving further along the aisle, we find the Beverage Warmer with the Built-in 4-port USB Hub™. This product is so desirable it doesn’t even need a glowing description.
Finally, we have the The Hot Dog Express Rotary Grill with Bun Warming Lid™. Why would you ever need a teflon frying pan when you can hoist this guy onto the counter, warm ‘er up, cook 20 or 30 hot dogs, then spend a half hour taking it apart, wiping off the grease, cleaning and reassembling it...
I’ll pretty much guarantee that this baby will go into your storage unit before you can say, “Can’t we just use the microwave?”
I won’t say that the As Seen on TV™ store is a sign of the apocalypse, but it looks like a move in that direction.
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Attention citizens of earth
Jun/08/2009
Does anyone
here remember (a few years ago) when California’s
Governor mentioned to a reporter that he owned seven
(7) Hummers? Arnold didn’t know that his giant cars
were melting one iceberg per hour all by themselves,
but I’ve always been curious about how the Governor
made use of all those cars. Did he drive for a half
hour, run that Hummer dry, then have the help bring up
another one? Did he have the days of the week cutely
painted on each driver’s door like those panties on
E-bay that say “Monday” or “Tuesday”? Were all seven of
his 8,500-pound Hummers the same color? Did he at any
point consider owning his own gas station? Could we
have a moment of silence for a polar bear?
With the Hummer company (as of this writing) in trouble, we have to wonder what Arnold is driving nowadays. He wouldn’t be walking or riding a bike, since that’s illegal in California. Only large shiny vehicles that rumble are permitted here. Actually I’m exaggerating. You can ride a bike here, but people may look at you like, “What’s-a-matter with you, can’t you afford a mechanical device that makes a little noise?” In their hearts, California drivers don’t feel that bike riders are real. They sort of exist, but certainly don’t deserve to be treated as importantly as a real human in a large, sparkling, normal car.
So anyway, in the name of carbon footprint reduction, those of us at Yelp & Howl (me and the cat) now present a way for you to save thousands in plane fares and do a little something for the planet. The 27-second vacation...
With the Hummer company (as of this writing) in trouble, we have to wonder what Arnold is driving nowadays. He wouldn’t be walking or riding a bike, since that’s illegal in California. Only large shiny vehicles that rumble are permitted here. Actually I’m exaggerating. You can ride a bike here, but people may look at you like, “What’s-a-matter with you, can’t you afford a mechanical device that makes a little noise?” In their hearts, California drivers don’t feel that bike riders are real. They sort of exist, but certainly don’t deserve to be treated as importantly as a real human in a large, sparkling, normal car.
So anyway, in the name of carbon footprint reduction, those of us at Yelp & Howl (me and the cat) now present a way for you to save thousands in plane fares and do a little something for the planet. The 27-second vacation...
Ocean from Roger Steen on Vimeo.